Fancy That!
by Plum Bucket and Caddish Kettle
Summary: Stuck interrogating the obnoxious, yet dangerous, Deidara of Akatsuki, Yamanaka Ino must come up with a plan to make him talk. How far will they go to provoke each other? Far indeed.[Deidara x Ino]
1. Stepping Up

Plot Summary: Stuck interrogating the obnoxious, yet dangerous, Deidara of Akatsuki, Yamanaka Ino must make him talk. How far will they go to piss each other off? Crack pairing, DeidaraxIno

Author's Note: Since the pairing is so weird, I expect no one to actually give me a review. Although, it would be nice if you, yes _you_, gave me some feedback regardless. /shameless plug/

Rating: Rated T for some bad language and violence.

Story Genre: Humor/Romance; more of the former than the latter. I don't believe in romance. It's long-a-comin' before you'll see me write some torrid scene of unbridled passion

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Fancy That!  
---Chapter 1. Stepping Up---

Deidara was a particularly arrogant hostage.

"I consider myself more of a guest-age...yeah."

Yeah, indeed. In the confines of the interrogation room, the blond Akatsuki made it his personal mission to be as annoyingly useless as possible. Even the torture specialist by excellence, Morino Ibiki, already neared the limit of his patience with his irritating subject. Every single ANBU in his corps stood guard over the S-class criminal who was brought back as hostage after the perilous rescue mission of Kazekage Gaara. However, this interrogation was proving more difficult than anyone had imagined. The hostage, although deadly and dangerous, was disturbingly irksome.

One _yeah_ short of a nervous breakdown, Ibiki, who was hovering over the edge of sanity, abruptly reined his thorough questioning when the thundering voice of Naruto resounded in the middle of ANBU operations. "Where is he? Where _the hell_ is he? I'm gonna kill him," the fox-boy said, stomping down the stairs at precarious speed.

Peering through an opening, curious as to who the author of this insurrection in the—supposedly—secret department of torture and interrogation was, the head of operations instantly recognized the young Genin he had tested a few years back. "Go away, boy," he snapped brusquely. "This is a restricted area."

"I'm not going anywhere until I know he's good and dead, that bastard," Naruto retorted even more heatedly than before, ignoring Ibiki's previous admonition. Following the man's voice towards the room where Konoha's elite had sequestered Deidara of Akatsuki, he flung the door open and instantly stilled, impressed by the amount of ANBU guarding the perimeter. The department had been very cautious, considering it was the first time Konoha captured such a dangerous Nunkenin.

At wits end, Morino Ibiki sighed heavily, half disturbed by Naruto's presence, half discouraged with the Deidara-situation. "Can't you see we are thoroughly questioning him," he insisted and, taking a short pause to side-glare at his unpleasant prisoner, he pursued, "On second thought, this is going nowhere. You can give it a try, kid. This prisoner is irksome and counterproductive..."

"Yay!" Was the only answer that came from the blond-haired Genin. However, Morino-san was far from finished in his discourse. "And hopeless, not-so bright, obviously inept, probably a makeshift member of Akatsuki anyway..."

Strapped down to a chair in the cold and sterile interrogation department, Deidara raised a finely arched eyebrow at the little exchange between the pushy jailor and the Jinchuuriki. "Hey, you," he challenged, not upon taking offense but with the single intention of triggering a new range of emotion in his normally expressionless captor. "I heard that, un."

"Ugh!" The placid and stoic Ibiki exclaimed, finally cracking. "He's grating my nerves! I'm taking this to The Fifth," he said, leaving Deidara in the company of Naruto.

Pleased to have a new audience, Deidara resumed, faking some semblance of seriousness, "The conditions are just deplorable here...yeah." Perusing the scene as if he suddenly realized where he was, he audibly sneered in contempt. "Almost like a prison, hmmm?"

"It is a prison, you idiot," Naruto contented himself with stating in a grave tone. Pulling up his sleeves, he figured he could at least give Gaara's killer a thorough beating before Morino Ibiki returned with Tsunade. Since the members of the ANBU squad remained still and unmoving as marble statues, he figured they would not give much interference.

Nevertheless, Naruto's violent impulses were abruptly curbed when he fell face-to-face with Deidara's blasé expression. "Say something, before I pound the shit out of you," he gritted out threateningly.

"Hmmm? You look pretty dumb yourself...yeah."

"You scum. I should-" Naruto started but was soon cut off by a convulsive foot-stomping he recognized all too well.

Standing right behind him was Haruno Sakura. The pink-headed girl decided it was best to keep an eye on her friend—especially in regards to Deidara. Aware that Naruto had little to no self-control, she knew she had to prevent her rash teammate from doing something he would later regret. "Naruto!" She cried out, stopping the fox-boy dead in his tracks. "This is none of your concern. Don't go beating up the hostage until Tsunade-sama orders it."

"But-"

Coming down after Sakura, Ino also wasted no time in interrupting Naruto. "Yo! So this is the department of torture and interrogation," the curious Kunoichi remarked, taking her time to glance left and right, getting her fill of the dull scenery before forcibly coming to the natural conclusion. "What a dump."

"That's what I said…yeah."

"So it's true," Sakura commented, her emerald pools fixating themselves on Deidara. "He really _is_ annoying."

"Hey! Hey, now! Nobody asked for your opinion," he replied in a playful display of satirical anger, his lips curled into a comical pout. Regaining composure, Deidara shifted his glance from Sakura to Ino; pouting, he gave the girls a devilish stare. "Take the henhouse outside, un."

Jarred from her thoughts, Ino sprung to full-attention. "Henhouse?" She repeated on the tone of surprise. "I'm with Naruto on this, we should beat him up."

"Cool it, children," Tsunade's voice startled them as she observed the situation from a few paces back, accompanied by a completely dejected Ibiki. "Nobody is beating anyone up."

"Heh, so she's the Hogake, un. Don't broads belong in the kitchen, hmmm?"

"Nobody is beating anyone up...yet," the fifth Hokage reiterated, emphasizing each word, trying—with great difficulty—to convince herself that violence was not the answer. "Meanwhile, put something in his mouth. I already can't stand him..."

"Consider it done, Hokage-sama," Ibiki said, a smile forming on his lips as he moved to gag Deidara with his kunai.

"Maybe with something less..._offensive_, Ibiki-san?" Tsunade said, a hint of scowling in her voice, as Ibiki stepped back in disappointment.

Deidara furrowed his brow as one of the ANBU pulled away from the white brick wall and filled his mouth with a thick, old cloth, preventing him from further disturbances. Convinced no cloth could hamper him, the Akatsuki cringed as he cockily tried to protest, and almost suffocated himself in the process.

"Tsunade-sama, how will the department interrogate him if he remains gagged like this," Ino inquired on the tone of casual conversation. "Not that I mind," she obligingly added considering the image of Deidara choking himself was nothing short of hilarious.

"That's a good question little girl," Morino Ibiki shot back rather aggressively, quickly seizing upon her question. "Because I'm sure as hell not doing it. This...this...f-"

"...Ibiki-san, not in front of the kids..."

"..._Idiot_ has pissed me off for the last time. I quit!"

-------------------------------

Back at her office, Tsunade racked her brain with the situation at hand. "This is going to be harder than I thought," she voiced through a long sigh as she sunk her head in her hands. Two days after she granted Morino Ibiki a duly deserved vacation, she had yet to find a replacement willing to pick up where he left off. It was quasi-impossible to find someone with the nerves, and enough tolerance, to cross-examine Deidara of Akatsuki.

After a few faint knocks on the semi-opened door, Shizune tentatively entered The Fifth's peaceful sanctuary. "Tsunade-sama, are you still on this problem with the Akatsuki interrogation," the medical Jounin advanced with concern. "If so, I have a suggestion..."

"You want to volunteer?"

"Not...exactly," she hesitantly said, instantly petrified at the thought of being assigned to that mission. "Maybe one of the Chuunins could do it. At least until Morino Ibiki returns."

Tsunade looked up, half-interested in Shizune's proposition. "And where are we going to find one willing to take on the task?"

"Well, perhaps Sakura-san would be capable," Shizune casually suggested. "She's been quite the hard-working student."

Detecting the rather obvious flaw in her apprentice's idea, the disabused Godaime brushed it off. "There's no way Sakura would consider interrogating that Deidara."

"Why's that?"

"She already knows what he's like," Tsunade blatantly pointed out, as if that would be reason enough for anyone to decline. "If I want this done, I'll have to manipulate someone into doing it."

Clearing her throat to signal her presence in the room, Yamanaka Ino stepped forward as all eyes turned towards her. "Hokage-sama," she began slowly, handing out a massive pile of papers to the disabused Godaime. "Here is the report Team 10 produced for our latest mission. Asuma-sensei asked me to bring it to you."

"Leave it on my desk," Tsunade sighed, discouraged to see the workload pilling up. As the young Kunoichi politely acquiesced and gracefully bowed out, a desperate plan slowly formed in the Hokage's head. Quickly glancing at the front sheet of the report to make sure she got the girl's name straight, she halted her exit. "Hold on, Yamanaka Ino," she commanded at length. "Take a seat, please."

S_he must have noticed Chouji-kun and Shikamaru botched the damn thing_, Ino thought as she complied to Tsunade's request and sat down. "If this is about the report, I can explain..."

"Don't worry, this is about you," Tsunade said on a detached tone, gradually working out her banter. "According to these reports, you haven't progressed as much as your partners, Nara Shikamaru and Akamichi Chouji. And, with Jounin examinations coming up soon..."

"But I don't understand, Hokage-sama. I've been working just as hard, if not more."

Tsunade smirked. "Well, perhaps your talents simply haven't been put to good use. "

Slapping her forehead, all too aware of where this was going, Shizune deeply sighed. _Poor girl, being tricked like that by Tsunade-sama._

"With Shikamaru supervising the Chuunin exams, not very many options are open to you," Tsunade continued. "Although, luckily, a position just opened recently for which I think you'll be perfect for."

"WHAT? You don't mean the torture and interrogation department..." Ino trailed off, sensing her impending doom. Being transferred to ANBU's interrogation department was not so bad. Problem was, Deidara surely was part of that deal and, based on first impressions, the man was a dastardly mix of arrogance and annoyance.

"That's right, Konoha's division of torture and interrogation," the Sannin avidly affirmed, confirming the young Chuunin's worst suspicion. "You'll be starting tomorrow interrogating Deidara of Akatsuki. Welcome to ANBU, Yamanaka Ino."

As a slouched and depressed Yamanaka Ino sluggishly exited from where she came, Shizune angrily turned to her satisfied master. "Tsunade-sama, I can't believe you said that. Poor girl, you led her to believe that there was a decline in her performance as a Shinobi just so she would proceed with the interrogation," she frantically scolded, incredulous as to what just happened.

"Yeah, but at least I don't have to do it myself...hate that guy."

-------------------------------

Ino spent the whole day wandering about town, thinking about that awful event. _Anything but that awful man_, she thought to herself as she dragged her feet towards the flower shop. It was already dark when she noticed it was time to head home.

The blonde-headed girl never considered herself a poor addition to her team—especially since she trained twice as hard as the lazy Shikamaru or the gluttonous Chouji. How can it be that she got stuck on a hopeless examination that even the authority on the subject rushed to abandon? Seriously, poor Ibiki, who could blame him? Deidara was a knave.

"Ino! Ino!" Sakura called from behind, tightly gripping an impressive stack of files under her arm. Catching up to her blonde comrade, she jubilantly handed her what she was carrying. "I just saw Tsunade-sama, she told me to give you this."

"And what the hell is this crap," the dejected Kunoichi replied.

"Files from Iwagakure on Deidara. Oh! And the Bingo Book. And more profiles from...places he destroyed. Tsunade-sama suggested you skim it."

"Thanks, that's very thoughtful," she dismissively said. It was easy for Sakura to be positive about the situation; she wasn't the one stuck with that troublemaker. "See you around, forehead-girl." Giving Sakura an insulting parting shot was childish, but it made Ino feel better.

Ino quietly stepped in her house, dragged herself up the stairs to her room, and threw herself on the bed, sinking deeply in the mattress. She left the files a mishmash of paper over her crème color bedcover.

It took a while but, shaking away her fatigue in a single moment of determination, she sat up cross-legged and glanced through the documents Tsunade had relayed to her. "Let's see," she said upon finding Deidara's picture in the Bingo Book. "Besides being an arrogant pain, what kind of person are you, Deidara?"

The information in the Bingo Book was nothing to ease her up before going into her new job. Apparently, Deidara destroyed a lot of villages during his days as a Shinobi of the Stone Country; this before becoming a Nunkenin and joining the Akatsuki. "They threw him out because he blew up those places, I bet," she nonchalantly voiced out as she read on to confirm her suspicions. "Uh huh, by explosion. Who knew the Bingo Book was such a page-turner," she sighed sarcastically, unfazed by bite-sized horrors Deidara caused wherever he went.

There was an endless list of things Deidara did _in the name of art_. For Yamanaka Ino, all of them spelt _psychopath_. Making good use of her own artistic talent, she proceeded to draw little whiskers on the Nunkenin's search warrant picture. She knew this interrogation was going to be hell. Even his Shinobi I.D. looked like an add for _Conceited Bastards 'R' Us_.

Tired, and almost disgusted, Ino pushed the files on the floor of her already very messy room and got ready for bed. It was enough that she would have to see Deidara during the day, she sure as hell did not want to see him at night. "What a complete prat," she voiced a loud as she closed the light on her nightstand. "I'm going to hate him for the rest of my life"

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References: 

_Guest-age_, I know it's a reference to something. I just don't know what; Buffy maybe?


	2. Blonds Lack Cleverness

Author's Note: More crack! I can't believe this fic got reviews. I died, I swear. XD Thanks so much to everyone. References and the likes are at the end of the chapter. And Cloudeye, you owe me yet another review. I'll hold you to it. 6 more chapters to go...though you've read most of them already! XP

Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto. No money is made from this, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Summary: Ino starts her first day in the Torture and Interrogation department with very bad results...

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Fancy That!  
---Chapter 2. Blonds Lack...Cleverness---

"Con, did you see all that stuff he did? There's a reason he's classified as an S-class criminal, you know."

"Pro, he's completely secured to a chair. How dangerous can he get?"

"Best not to ask," Ino said, even more discouraged than before. "And con, he's annoying."

Sakura had a flair for intercepting people with pointless pep talks. Overtly glaring at her, the blonde-haired Kunoichi was unnerved that someone could fathom a 'pro' in being up close and personal with Deidara.

Could someone be that stupid?

"Pro, Tsunade will surely make you Special Jounin if you succeed."

Surprise, surprise. Someone really could. And that someone had omitted the obvious part of the job description—namely, the part where it said 'P.S. this is doomed to fail'. Obviously, Sakura was not the one stuck in the same vicinities as Deidara for the next few days.

"Con, Morino Ibiki failed...and you remember how sadistic that guy was."

"Pro, you get to run your own operation."

"Con, did I mention he's really annoying, " Ino reiterated, as if his annoying personality completely eclipsed the fact that he was a total psychopath. She waved Sakura goodbye, attributing her stupidity to that large, ungodly forehead. Ino would be damned if she'd allow herself illusions as to how this was going to turn out.

_Horribly_.

After spending a night running through pages upon pages of Deidara's impressive—strike that, explosive—list of criminal records, Ino had in mind to tell Tsunade she was not doing it. However, in front of the Hogake's office, the young girl lacked the courage of her convictions and reluctantly marched right past it and towards ANBU headquarters.

Shuffling down the familiar stairs where she had followed Naruto and Sakura a few days before, she walked across the lengthy hallways leading to the secured interrogation keep—the confined place invariably guarded by the most elite Shinobi of ANBU.

Deidara—still gagged and obviously frustrated about it—stared blatantly at the young Chuunin as she spiritlessly stepped in the room. His indignant expression melted into as self-satisfied smirk. He narrowed his eyes in scrutiny, stupefied as to why Konoha intelligence commissioned this slip of a girl to continue the cross-examination. _They sent me a girl, hmmm? This is going to be too easy_, he internally affirmed, very amused by this turn of events. _Almost fun...yeah._

Upon noticing the sudden shift in his general demeanor, Ino had no doubt about what he was thinking. This gave automatic credence to the _this-mission-is-destined-to-fail-miserably_ theory.

A pleasant chitchat with Akatsuki's Finest? Surely not.

Behind an expressionless tiger-shaped mask, a member the ANBU guard—seemingly the captain—spoke up. "Replacement for Morino Ibiki, Yamanaka Ino," he half-questioned, half-stated on a dry tone. He remained immobile, as in the exaggeratedly rigorous application of a strict protocol. Seeing as she offered no protest, he continued with the same flat voice, "Welcome to ANBU. Shall we un-gag the prisoner so you may begin your interrogation?"

His question caught Ino by surprise; she swallowed hard as if she was trying to swallow her own pulse. She could tell by Deidara's smug expression that he sensed her tension; and the fact the he could aggravate her even while tied up and gagged was a bad sign, and a rough start to her day. "How about no? Let's just leave him like this."

"Ino-san, the point is to make him talk."

Two minutes in ANBU headquarters—in the company of Deidara—and Ino was already nursing a headache. "Actually, I think the whole point should be to shut him up."

Although she could not see the face behind the mask, Ino could sense the ANBU captain's deep scolding frown—she had obviously pissed him off. However, it was surely nothing compared to Deidara, who was making his discontentment quite clear through a myriad of satirical pouts and scowls. "Don't stare at me like that, you bastard," she gritted out upon seeing his face. On the up side, he was gagged and she was not.

As the masked ANBU agent began removing the verbal restraint, it quickly became apparent that the Akatsuki would get his chance to mouth-off again—the very basis of his reputation.

"This interrogation is not a joke, Ino-san," the captain said. "Your blatant ridicule of our methods is going straight to our report."

Day one, five minutes, and already the interrogation was a disaster. Considering the fact that Deidara was now free to disturb everyone in the room with his incessant vainglorious prattling, things would definitely get worse.

"So, Konoha superiors sent me this little girl, hmmm?" Deidara voiced aloud, intending the question primarily for himself and then, fixing his gaze on Ino, he felt compelled to further his self-congratulatory discourse, "You know, I made the head of this department retire...yeah. "

Ignoring his mock attempts at scaring her off, she pulled out a list of questions Tsunade had prepared earlier, important things she should focus on asking and the likes. "Just answer some questions, idiot."

Faking an offended reaction, he playfully scolded her. "That's not a way to talk, un. Especially not if you want me to answer your little questions...yeah."

"Look, you son of a--"

Purposely emitting an audible cough, the captain of the guard kept up his end of the scolding. Like there was not enough scolding going around. "Yamanaka Ino, this is not how we run things around here. More of this bantering and you will get discharged."

Ino exchanged a furtive glance with Deidara. "You know, a discharge doesn't sound so bad."

Fastened tightly to a chair by white leather straps and powerful chakra seals, the S-class Nunkenin, still dolled up in his Akatsuki garb, had managed to find a new way to vex his interrogation officer—especially since getting rid of this one was more pleasure than business. "A woman can't run an interrogation anyway, hmmm."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Ino aggressively retorted, completely forgetting about the ANBU corps and their pesky reprimands.

"It's a man's job...yeah."

"That's it! I've had it. Time to physically teach you some respect."

Again report, Ino caught his smug gaze fixated on her. Direct provocation. What Deidara didn't expect was that Yamanaka Ino was addicted to confrontation. _Heh, I'll be twice as annoying as you, Deidara, and you won't be able to wait for me to be through with this interrogation. Mark my words..._

------------

After her training, Sakura—seemingly determined to make Ino's life a tad worse—brought Naruto down to visit the newly appointed ANBU. Scurrying in the interrogation and torture department excitedly, the blond Genin was convinced he would get the chance to finish what he had started earlier. "I'm going to pound that guy so hard, Akatsuki will be sorry they messed with us."

Nudging her comrade to shut up with a swift blow to the ribs, the pink-headed girl took a seat in the ANBU headquarters. "See, this is why they won't let us in the interrogation room anymore," she said, patiently waiting for a guard to notify Ino of their presence. "Quit saying that out loud."

"What did I say, Sakura-chan?" Naruto innocently asked.

"You haven't shut up about Deidara since he was brought here," she said. This time her tone was edged with anger. "Quit boasting that you're going to kill him to every passerby."

"But-but, Sakura-chan!"

"No buts! I'm sick of hearing about Deidara."

Entering the room at a brisk pace, Ino interrupted Sakura's fervent sermon with nothing short of a Deidara-centric rant. "Deidara is so annoying," she let out theatrically as she rejoined her friends. "What a putz. I mean, what's the prerequisite for joining Akatsuki, being a moron? He thinks he's such a maverick but..."

Sakura winced. "Tsunade sent me to check on you." She sighed in exasperation. "She wanted to know if you'd cracked yet."

"Crack? I don't think so," Ino said adamantly. "I've got this all under control, forehead master. Now, get out of _my_ department."

While the rosette Kunoichi was fuming, barking back all the insults in her—limited—repertoire, Naruto was taking full advantage of this outburst. With all the clever sneakiness of a fox—yeah, a demon fox—he quietly lunged towards the interrogation room, unnoticed by the bickering girls.

Secretively tiptoeing his way down the hall, Naruto slowly opened the door to the room where Deidara was kept hostage. He could hear the arrogant voice coming from inside; Deidara was complaining—yet again—seemingly desperate to get everybody riled up. "I'm bored...yeah."

Slipping in and softly shutting the door behind him, Naruto entered the room, already irked by the cocky prisoner. ANBU squad members were just as unmoving as they had always been, making things all the more simple for the Kyuubi jinchuuriki—he was going to kick that Akatsuki's ass. Or, at least try. "Talking to yourself, cretin," Naruto asked, faking pleasantry.

Naruto was not Deidara's choice of a distraction, but beggars can't be choosers. "Who else could I talk to? It's not like there are people of intelligence around here...yeah."

"I'll make you eat those words, you asshole."

Deidara matched Naruto's heated anger with a cool arrogance. "Watch your language, un."

---------------------

"I mean, that guy, he's completely passive," Ino commented while she and Sakura peered through the small window to observe the scene from a distance. The girls had called a truce upon realizing what Naruto was up to. "Naruto can be annoying, sure, but this guy's worse."

"Shouldn't you stop them?"

Ino gave a brief smile. "Naww. I'll wait till someone starts to cry, then I'll stop them."

Shame that someone was most likely Naruto.

Before he had a chance to raise a fist at Deidara, ANBU rushed to intervene. Go figure. Two of the guards grabbed a hold of Naruto and escorted him out in the manner of club bouncers, practically throwing him out the door, and on Sakura.

Ino had seen it coming and had stepped aside in time. "Damn ANBU squad, eh Naruto?" She helped him up. "They make my job way harder, too."

"If only they weren't there," he said slyly, rubbing his index finger on the front of his chin. He was trying to look pensive. If it was an evil genius doing it, it might have looked dangerous. With Naruto doing it, it simply looked ridiculous. "I could beat him up till he answers questions. Everybody wins."

"Wait, I have a plan to get them out for a while," Ino said. Leave it to her to hop on some crazy bandwagon. She turned back to the pink-headed girl, flashing her a coy smile. "Say Sakura, didn't you come here to inform me of the surprise attack on Konoha just now?"

Naruto started giggling, but Sakura looked perplexed. "I did not. You're talking crazy."

"Crazy like a fox. Now, go make a scene," Ino said before pausing. She then added, "Unless you wanted to spend some time with Deidara?"

---------------------

Naruto shut the door to the interrogation room as he said, "I can't believe they bought it."

Ino figured ANBU had been so keen on rushing out to avoid staying with the prisoner. One hour of Deidara a day will surely keep your sanity away. But judging by Deidara's blasé expression, it didn't matter to him. He didn't even seem remotely curious as to what was going on.

"My plan to fake an invasion worked perfectly."

As Naruto said that, Ino suddenly sobered up. "Your plan?" She asked, an edge of anger to her words. "Don't you mean _my_ plan? The last 'good' plan you had involved tracking Uchiha Itachi with hunting dogs."

"So, it's you who went through all that trouble, Ino-san," Deidara chimed in, giving her a suggestive look. "Couldn't wait for us to be alone, hmmm?"

Before she could give her heated reply, Naruto interrupted the conversation with a perplexed "Hey, wait a minute." Both turned to look at him. "Ino, that's why you wanted to get rid of ANBU?" Naruto asked. "To be alone with Deidara?"

"It's not like I can blame her...yeah."

Ino froze up. Her cheeks turned red. Meanwhile, Naruto drew his face closer to the Akatsuki threateningly. "Wait till I mess up your face. We'll see who the monster is."

While the boys kept on bickering, Ino glanced out the door to see if the coast was clear. It was. But if she wanted to rough an answer out of Deidara, she had better make it happen fast, before the ANBU squad realized that there is no invasion. She turned back and they were still at it.

Naruto seemed keener on insulting Deidara than beating him up. Itachi had it all wrong; it's blonds who lack hatred.

"Break it up," Ino said. "I'm starting to think you're the one who wants to be alone with him, Naruto."

Deidara and Naruto instantly jerked away from each other, exchanging a disgusted look.

"Right, best you start answering some questions, you imbecile, or else I'll--"

"You'll what, hmmm," Deidara replied. "Bore me to death?"

As Ino advanced to match arrogance with violence, Naruto cut her short with a light tap on the shoulder. Lo and behold, Tsunade was standing right behind them, an angry look on her face.

_Busted._

Of course, Deidara was finding this particularly amusing. "Somebody's going to get fired, un," he said in a little singsong voice.

"Shut up," Tsunade sneered, eliciting yet another frown from Deidara. "No one is getting fired...yet."

The troublemaking duo stared in disbelief. "What do you mean by 'not' getting fired?" Ino asked, horrified at the thought. Even if she failed at interrogating the Akatsuki prisoner, a stunt like the one she had pulled would have surely got her out of that department for good. But no, she'd have to come back again tomorrow.

Chances were, no one else wanted to do it. Go figure, Deidara's such a pleasant guy.

"Ino, you're off the hook for today, but I'm expecting you to come up with a better strategy by tomorrow. Dismissed."

Somewhere between discouraged and relieved, Ino followed Tsunade and Naruto out. Halfway through the door, the irritating voice of the prisoner halted her step. "Ino-san, you're lucky I'm humoring you...yeah. Breaking protocol like that, it'll get you killed, un."

The blonde Kunoichi gave a short sneer, and quickly walked out the door. She had made a complete fool of herself, wasting her time arguing with Naruto. Not only that, but the annoying Akatsuki had called her on it, pleasantly threatening her in the process. But Yamanaka Ino knew nothing of giving up.

* * *

References:

1._ The last good plan you had..._ quote. That's the influence of British television, for you. It's a quote from Red Dwarf.

Thank you for reading. Please keep on reviewing. It gives me a happy.


	3. Good Cop, Blonde Cop

Author's Note: Heh, I can't believe I'm still updating this. I will keep it up with regularity as of now, though. I'm sorry this took so long, but it got erased from my hard drive…twice. Shitloads of frustration later, here it is. xD Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I can't believe it got so many of them. O.o

Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto. No money is made from this, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Summary: Shikamaru and Deidara settle their differences in a very manly way.

* * *

Fancy That!  
---Chapter 3. Good Cop, Blonde Cop---

Ino had a dream that night. Quite an unpleasant dream. Her village wasn't the delightful place it had once been. The flames of Hell offered no respite, burning around her and the familiar houses of Konohagakure. But that hardly mattered. She knew she was in Hell. It was madness, after all, that had driven her there.

In the grip of this folly, she had sold her soul to the Underworld. Or so she surmised from her circumstance in this dream state. At a steady gait, she made her descent toward the heart of this nightmare. There was no spiraling staircase in this Hell. In fact, the straight, narrow stairway looked disturbingly familiar.

At the base of this staircase, she made a right and marched down a seemingly endless hallway. She sensed the danger, the finality, with each step she took. There was no reconsidering. The bargaining had already taken place.

The trade? What every young girl would sell her soul for, of course. The title of Special Jounin.

When she entered the Lord of the Underworld's chamber, she staggered at the sight.

Facing her, seated in the middle of the room in what looked like a torture chair more than the throne of the Underworld fiend, was Deidara. "Sign on the dotted line, un," he said with a drawling voice.

Yamanaka Ino woke up screaming. It took a few moments of panting before she was able to shake the lingering feelings she kept from the nightmare. She pushed aside her bedcover and got ready for another day of...Hell. Another day of Deidara's awful presence.

She had held Ibiki's position for, what, three days, and already she was losing it. Seeing Deidara during the day was one thing, but seeing him at night? She shook this thought away rapidly. _Ew. _If she was going insane, the last person she wanted to include in her psychotic delusions was Deidara. Unless, of course, she was killing him. _Yeah, that._

The nightmare had been engrossing, which delayed her morning routine. She was late for work.

Today was one of those shitty days—mostly because she had to present a progress report to the Hokage at the end of the day. After yesterday's debacle, Ino knew her half-ass excuse of a report would be the last straw for Tsunade. She had approximately six hours to make Deidara say something worthwhile or risk losing her job. Yeah, shitty prospects.

On her way to ANBU's underground department of torture and interrogation, Ino was pondering a new strategy when she caught a glimpse of Shikamaru.

Her teammate had just come out of a meeting of his own: Chuunin exam committee. He was absorbed in discussion with other board members when she had caught sight of him. For sure he hadn't noticed her. Good. If he saw her coming, he'd have time to come up with excuses to avoid her; she'd have none of that today.

Ino tiptoed sideways, dissimulating herself in nearby shrubbery where she patiently waited for Shikamaru to finish talking. As she leaned on the building, waiting, her makeshift plan took on more a concrete shape. Someone with solid nerves like Shikamaru would fare better against Deidara. Whatever cool arrogance Deidara possessed, Shikamaru could match it tenfold.

Stretching her neck to sneak a curious glance, she noticed her teammate was already on his way back home. "Damn it. Not so fast, you bastard," she mumbled to herself. She ran toward him.

The sudden presence of Ino by his side caught Shikamaru by surprise. For a second, he went rigid, waiting for her to speak. Whatever she was about to say, he had the feeling he didn't want to hear.

"Hey Shikamaru," she said, making her voice as pleasant as possible. The kind of voice for asking favors. "Busy with something?"

He crossed his arms, avoiding her demanding stare with meticulous precaution. "Yes, actually."

However, it was as if Ino was equipped with a lie detector, because she could always smell Shikamaru's fibs from a mile away. "You liar. Don't be a jerk, I know you're going to bed. You have that 'I'm tired' look on your face."

"Sleeping qualifies as 'something'," Shikamaru replied. "And I always have that look. You say so yourself."

Ino gave him a strained smile. "Here's another something for you: I want to show you fun stuff in the torture and interrogation department." The excuse of a lifetime. One of Ino's inspired creations.

He replied in a stale tone, "I'm not falling for that again."

"Listen," she continued, her voice harsher than before. "I don't like to say this, especially to you, but I need help. I had this crazy nightmare where I sold my soul to Deidara. He's now in my bloody dreams."

Shikamaru suppressed a bout of laughter. "So the rumors are true."

"What rumors?" Ino's aggressivity was almost tangible, now.

"Never mind. If you're forcing me into it—"

"I am."

"—I'll go with you." Shikamaru yawned, discouraged. Not that he was afraid of Deidara, or that he would make a drama about his presence like Ino, but the hostage had the reputation of being annoying. Shikamaru was just too damn tired to deal with an insufferable prat like Deidara.

----------------------------------

"So, here's the plan," Ino began.

Shikamaru had a bad feeling about this. Not only from the bleak atmosphere of Konoha's criminal cellar, but Ino was not a plotter by excellence. Her idea of a clever subterfuge more often than not involved throwing a fit. "I'm not doing the work for you," he forcibly said. "Not even if you yell at me."

"Oh, shut up. We'll both do it. We'll be like Good Cop and Bad Cop."

Shikamaru cringed. "That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard." Noticing she was glaring intently in his direction, he added, "Hey, don't look at me like that. I'm not the one dreaming about Deidara."

Her traits got even harder. "Nightmare."

He shrugged. "Whatever."

Regaining her composure, Ino resumed, "You can be the good cop. But I won't blame you if you want to punch his face in. In fact, it's encouraged."

There was something about that plan. Shikamaru felt compelled to use the word 'retarded', though he abstained. Ino's unwavering determination was getting scary. It was starting to remind him of his mother in a very bad way.

They entered the interrogation room. It seemed like nothing more than a tedious task for Shikamaru, but it took surge of willpower on Ino's part to cross the door. She held her breath as she stepped in the drab, empty room.

She abruptly exhaled. "Where are the other members of ANBU," she asked aloud though without expecting an answer, noticing the room was, save for Deidara, empty.

"I made those people retire, too," Deidara's response came.

The unfurnished room attached a metallic, echoic quality to his voice. This reminded Ino of the drawling tone he had taken in her dream. She shuddered. It seemed like there was no amount of time long enough, no distance great enough to separate her from Deidara. She couldn't lull her senses to his condescending attitude, and that was maddening. Had he been somewhat less of a pompous prat, maybe she could have tolerated him. Or, at least, not dream about him.

Deidara furrowed his brow, focusing his attention on the new figure his interrogation officer had brought to the chamber. "And who is this new cretin, hmm?"

"Your worst nightmare," Ino replied, slamming her hand on the armrest of Deidara's chair. She hit too hard; the pain forced her to bite her lip, tears almost welling up in her eyes. This Bad Cop charade was off to a bad start; she needed to be fit for some violence if ever it came down to it.

His grin widening, Deidara gave her an incredulous look. "You hurt your hand, Ino-san. Not much of a Shinobi, are you, hm?"

"Easy now," Shikamaru interjected unhurriedly. "All this will be over soon. If you'll just answer some of the questions we've prepared, that is." Unlike Ino and Deidara, there was nothing agitated in his gestures or tone, nothing to betray emotions beyond his utter boredom. He remained a perfect impassive mask. Though, for Shikamaru, disinterest was something more authentic than a 'mask'.

Ino was starting to believe Shikamaru would have been more suited for the job. Deidara wasn't addressing his asinine comments to him, but to her. There was more to it than Deidara believing women had no place away from the kitchen. No, it was something else. Shikamaru, to her astonishment, shared a great deal of similarities with Deidara. Both were strategists. It pained her to admit it, but even Deidara was outstandingly brilliant at outlining a plan of attack—and on the spot, too. At that thought, the full appreciation that she wasn't on the level began forming at the back her mind.

Deidara's fixed stare remained on Shikamaru. For him, there was no second-guessing. Thoughts of inadequacy were alien to someone like that. It showed through his demeanor. If Deidara could be qualified as transparent about something, it was his self-confidence.

But before Ino could start theorizing on why her teammate wasn't feeling the burn from Deidara's all-embracing arrogance, the prisoner responded, "Get stuffed, un."

Guess he was feeling the burn, now.

It didn't help that Deidara looked proud of himself for it. Although seals and restrains prevented him from every other form of movement, he still had the liberty to raise his chin, something he did cockily. No surprise there; every word that came out of his mouth was dripping with conceit. If the guy had whiskers, he would have been twirling them maniacally by now.

"This is troublesome," Shikamaru said, miffed at Deidara's lack of sensible response.

"Not as troublesome as being held up in this rat-hole," Deidara pointed out. This time, he had seemed sincerely displeased as he said it. Nothing like his typical mock-pedantry.

Ino caught it. "Then why not answer?" she questioned, the curiosity almost genuine. "Either you start talking, or I'll make sure you start hemorrhaging." She gave him her best threatening face.

"With what," he retorted. "That bruised hand of yours? A butter knife from your kitchen, un?"

"Shikamaru," Ino finally said. "Tell Tsunade a terrible accident happened in the interrogation department. I'm fine, but our prisoner didn't survive..."

Shikamaru rolled his eyes in response.

As for Deidara, he jumped on the opportunity to make an ass of himself. Of course, it wouldn't be a pleasant day in the torture and interrogation department if Deidara did _not_ make an ass of himself. People would start asking questions. "Speaking of not surviving, someone forgot to bring food, un," he said. "I'm lodging an official complaint. I can't be interrogated in such conditions. The service is god-awful, un."

"Did someone say food," a voice chimed in.

"Chouji," Ino and Shikamaru said simultaneously. What Akimichi Chouji was doing in a prison during lunch hour, neither of them knew. But any distraction from Deidara's twaddle was welcomed with open arms.

"Hey guys," he said. "I saw you come here earlier this morning. I came to say hi, and lo and behold, someone had left a lunch tray in the hall."

"That was mine, un," Deidara said, indignant.

The three Konoha nin replied in chorus: "Shut up."

Ino was glad to have some support. Although he seemed reluctant at times, Shikamaru always tried to help her; actions always spoke louder than words. Even Chouji was being of use. Eating Deidara's meal. Now that was priceless entertainment—it really riled him up. She smiled.

"So," Chouji broke the silence. "This is the infamous asshole they captured. He doesn't look so tough."

Deidara breathed out loudly. "Another uncultured idiot, un. With my art, I could shut you up in a flash." A devious gleam in his eyes, he shifted his gaze to the upper left corner of the room, eyeing a bag that ANBU left there, untouched. "Bring me that bag, and I can show you."

Shikamaru walked up to it. "Seems like some sort of clay paraphernalia. That's...lame."

Well, it seemed like pissing Deidara off wasn't that hard after all. His countenance, much like his art, was a transient display. And when Shikamaru didn't react to his venomous—though self-aggrandizing—insults, he continued his angry diatribe with nothing short of the most colorful imagery Ino had ever heard. Someone had quite a temper.

It was Ino's turn to grin inanely. _Heh. Fancy that._

Shikamaru brushed it off. "If you are a genius, as you say, why don't you prove it?" There was no challenge in his tone, as if the question was filled with frank interest. Leave it to Shikamaru to stay earnest in the face of someone like Deidara.

"Ready to admit the superiority of my art," Deidara asked.

"Pfft, no. It's not like your endless string of obscenities proved anything about your..._art_." He ignored Deidara's scowl and continued, "I suggest we settle this like men."

Even Deidara's curiosity was piqued.

"We'll play a game of Shogi—"

"It's a game for ages five and up. Very manly, un."

"—Shut up. Every time I knock one of your pieces off the board, you answer a question. Every time you knock one of mine, we'll offer you prison...conveniences."

Deidara cocked his head sideways. "Like private visits with Ino, hm?" He seemed to ponder the matter carefully, caught in an internal battle on whether this worked for him or not. The former apparently won when he glanced sideways to give Ino a suggestive look.

"Ew," came her reply. "Shikamaru. You'll never hear the end of it if you lose to this bastard."

The prisoner sniggered. "Don't flatter yourself. I can do better, un."

No one had noticed Chouji leaving the room. As if on cue, he returned, producing Shikamaru's Shogi board. "I thought you'd need this," he said. "I fetched it for you." It had disrupted the tension, both for Ino and Deidara, as the former returned to her meditations and the latter to his...arrogance.

"Agreed," Deidara finally said.

And so the boys began to play.

Ino sat back and wrote her report. There was nothing much to say about Deidara. He was a bastard, true. A prideful, smug, immodest bastard. Her fingers burned to write 'dumb' under his picture, but she felt it would have been petty. She'd save her pettiness for when he'd lose to Shikamaru. Rubbing it in his face was going to make her feel satisfied in a way she had not felt in a long time.

No, stupidity wasn't something she could sincerely attribute to Deidara no matter how hard she wanted to. The Shogi game was a testimony to this. In response to Shikamaru, Chouji moved the pieces as Deidara called them out; both players were weaving an intricate web of possible plays. The prisoner seized an advantage fast in the game. Ino frowned and forced herself to write 'first-rate strategist' on her report sheet.

She was suddenly distracted by angry muttering—Deidara had lost a pawn to Shikamaru.

"So," he said. "Who is the leader of Akatsuki?"

"Some guy...yeah."

Shikamaru's laid back expression faded to irritation. "What kind of an answer is that?"

"You only ate a pawn," Deidara answered, smirking, showing teeth. "For such a big question, you have to do better, un. Equivalence principal."

Their game raged on. Shikamaru seemed distinctively more focused on his moves than his opponent. Ino noticed Chouji grinning each time he felt Deidara had made a bad play. However, it wasn't long before Deidara reciprocally ate one of Shikamaru's pawns. It was hard to miss through his boastful intonation. Chouji sighed.

"What do I get, hm?"

"Remember your previous answer," Shikamaru inquired. "Well, I'm not going to punch your face in for it. Equivalence principal, you know."

Deidara was pissed. Ino smiled again.

* * *

References: 

None in this chapter.


End file.
